Guess Who?

Here is the 1st Act of a play I’ve been writing.

Guess Who?

A single light is reflected on the stage illuminating two small boys sitting at a table to the far left of the stage.

John: (In an English accent) Will you stop trying to see what’s inside the package, you’ll find out soon enough.

Tom: ahh , but I want to see right now. What do you think it is John? Think maybe it’s a skateboard, or a Wii, or maybe its what you’ve always wanted…a girlfriend. (laughs)

John: Oh shut up Tom, Grandpa usually gets me something educational, like a book, or map.

Tom: A map? What would you do with a map?

John: Oh I dunno, see where I’m goin, find my way around, I don’t know.

Tom: Ah come on John, just open it.

John: (Frustrated with Tom) No, mom wants to take a picture of me opening it to send it to my grandparents, it’s tradition.

Tom reaches for the package and this time manages to rip a small part of the package. The curtain behind the boys barely opens.

John: You idiot! Look what you did!

Tom: (Sarcastically) Ahh I didn’t mean to. Can you tell what it is!

John: (In utter amazement) I don’t believe it!!!

Tom: No way, there’s a girl in there!

John: No! It’s a board game.

Tom: A board game! I love board games, which one is it?

John lifts up the ripped paper to try and get a closer look. The curtain behind the boys opens a little further.

John: Well, I can’t quite see…

Tom suddenly reaches over and rips off the wrapping paper. The curtain springs open revealing a life size version of the popular board game…

Tom/John: (Very cheesely) GUESS WHO?!!! I love this game!

John:(angry) Hey get your hands off it!

Tom: (angry) No! let go, I just wanted to take a look.


In the background the actors in the life size board of “Guess Who?” are jumping around and screaming hysterically while the boys wrestle with the box.

Unknown Guess Who Character: Oh my gosh! It’s an Earth Quake!

Claire: (shaking hysterically) Oh please, I’m too young to get a wrinkle.

Phillip: (Stuttering) Hey, this kinda tickles.

Unknown Guess Who Character bangs his head and appears to be knocked out. In the mean time John finally gets the box from Tom.

John: Will you relax ya stupid butt scratcher! We have to set it up before we can play anyway.

Tom: (angry) I don’t scratch my butt!

John exits the stage with Tom close behind him. Tom stops just before leaving the stage and picks a wedgie.

Guess Who characters are getting ready to play the game by getting out of their PJs and getting dressed, combing their hair and putting on their makeup. A few men switch toupees that obviously need switching and a man wearing a huge red wig rips it off and places it on the bald women next to him. Now revealing that he is actually just as bald.

Phillip: (cowboy) Well, are you ready to lose Claire? I’ve got a funny hunch that one of these here boys are gonna pick me.

Claire: (Fat Black Women) Oh I don’t think so Phillip, I think we all know that young boys always pick the prettiest first.

Phillip: Well I don’t know about (looks over at the Unknown Character) Hey, what’s the matter with him. Is he still sleepin,.. he better get up, the games about to begin.

Claire: Oh my we better wake him.

Claire pokes the man with her umbrella. The unknown character wakes up startled and confused as he looks at his surroundings.

Phillip: Hey mister, you alright?

Unknown Character: Where am I?

Phillip: (laughs) What do you mean where are you? You’re in the Board Game “Guess Who”, boy you funny. What’s your name partner?

Unknown Character: My name, I…I don’t remember.

Phillip: You don’t even know your own name (laughs) boy you must’ve hit your head hard.

Claire: Oh my goodness! I think he’s got amnesia!

Unknown Character:(scared and has a hard time pronouncing amnesia) I’ve got amnesia!... What’s amnesia?

Claire: Well, basically it’s when you forget who you are.

Unknown Character: You forget who you are?(thinks for a moment) Holy Smokes! I forgot who I am!

Phillip: Yep, he’s got amnesia.

Unknown Character: What’ll I do, I’ve got to know who I am?

Claire: Well, the easiest solution would be for you to win the game.

Unknown Character: Win the game? Alright, what do I have to do?

Phillip: Nothin really, you just sit here til they start calling out stuff like “does your person have facial hair?” If Tom here says “Yes,” then me and Claire and anyone else that has facial hair will stay up and those who don’t have facial hair will go down.

Claire: (angry) Excuse me!

Phillip: Oh I’m just kiddin, (shakes his head at Unknown Character) anyhow they just keep doing that til there’s only one person standing.

Claire: Yes, and you’ve got to be the last one standing.

Unknown Character: Why?

Claire: Because then you’ll win the game!

Unknown Character: (confused) Okay, but how’s that going to help?

Claire: Oh I’m sorry, I almost forgot. They’ll say your name.

Unknown Character: They’ll say my name!

Claire: Yes, and then hopefully you’ll remember who you are.

Unknown Character: Yes that’s got to work. When can we start this game!

Phillip: Well you’re in luck Partner, were just about to start one right now.

Tom and Johns voices are heard over the speakers.

John: You ready to play yet?

Tom: You ready to loooose ,Johnny Boy?

John: Bring it on Tom Tom.

Tom: You first.

John: Duh I’m first, it’s my game you git.

Phillip: (Excitedly) Oh Boy, here we go!

Silly music sounds to initiate the game.

John: Does your person have a hat?

Tom: No.

Guess Who characters wearing hats go down.

Tom: Does your person have facial hair?

John: Yes?

Unknown Character: Wait! What’s going on?

Claire: What?

Unknown Character: How come nobody went down?

Claire: Oh, I forgot to tell you. There’s two sides of this board. We’re the Red side and the others are the Blue side. So each side takes turns trying to guess who the other persons’ got. But don’t worry about it to much, you’ll get to where you’ll just tune out the blue side without even thinking about it

Unknown Character: Wait! I’m confused. Who’s on the blue side?

Claire: (As if giving a warning) We don’t talk about who’s on the other side… But I hear they something ugly.

Unknown Character: AGH! That’s awful!

Claire: Sometimes we can even hear them talking in the game box, laughing, and giggling, making fun of the way we talk, or poking fun if they win.

John: Is your person bald?

Tom: No.

Claire: They even make fun of our names.

Unknown Character: What?! Why would they make fun of your names?

Claire: I don’t know. They just say things like. Jared is stupid, Phillip laughs like a girl, or (interrupted)

John: Is your person a girl?

Tom: No.

Claire (Enraged and angry she yells with a clenched first waving towards the heavens while she is being put down) WHAT! WHY YOU SEXEST BAST… muffled angry noises.

Unknown Character looking terrified looks over at Phillip

Phillip: (leaning over) Don’t worry, her periods bout up.

Claire: (angry) I heard that!

Awkward Silence as Phillip and Unknown Character look at each other scared.

John: Does your person have a big nose?

Tom: No.

Phillip: Well, that’s my cue, hey you’ve bout won this here thing.

Phillip is set down with a number of other Guess Who characters.

Unknown Character: (looking behind him) Holy smokes he’s right. There’s only me and you.

Fred: Yes and soon there will only be me. (evil laugh)

Unknown Character: What? Why, are you going to be the last one?

Fred: Because I am Fred the destroyer (silly laugh)… ah I’m just kidding. I’ve got 50/50 chance though.

Unknown Character (Looks forward and speaks to himself) What a strange person.

John: Does your person have glasses?

Tom: No.

Fred: Ahh Shucks!

Fred is set down.

Unknown Character: Yes! Yes! I’ve won (holds out his arms) give me my name, give it to me!

Unknown Character is slammed shut and the curtain is closed.

Curtain Opens to reveal that all the characters have changed their position except for the Unknown Character.

Unknown Character: (rubbing his head) What happened?

Marge: You lost my dear.

Unknown Character: Whoaa! Who are you?

Marge: Speak up my dear I don’t hear so well.

Unknown Character: (Slowly) WHERE DID THE GUY GO THAT USED TO BE HERE.

Phillip: I’m over here partner.

Unknown Character: What are you doing way back there?

Phillip: Oh them kids switched us all around. They do that once in a while, not sure why. Anyhow you lost bud, the blue team beat ya at the last second.

Unknown Character: What!? But how, I was the last one.

Phillip: Oh, it happens, but you got bigger problems to worry bout, you sittin next to Marge and she’s a witch.

Unknown Character: SHHH! (whispering) She’s right here.

Phillip: Ah don’t worry, she couldn’t hear a Cow if it moooed in her ear. Her husband on the other hand can hear just fine.

Unknown Character: Who’s her husband.

Doug: (Extremely Loud) I AM!

Unknown Character: Oh, hello.

Doug: (Extremely Loud) Hello, I’m Doug but everyone calls me Dog and that beautiful creature on your right side is my wife, Marge.

Phillip: Hey why don’t we call your wife a different name that means dog too.

Doug: Oh, and what would that be?

Phillip:(looking guilty) Uhh… Well I’ll give you a hint, it rhymes with witch. (Laughs)

Doug: (looking angry and then suddenly laughs) Hey that’s pretty good.

Marge: Honey, what are you discussing with that horrible creature!

Doug: (loud and talking into the unknown characters ears) Nothing my sweet! I was just telling our friend here how lucky he is to be sitting here between us than those two idiots.

Marge: Oh I don’t like bacon bits my dear. They get stuck in my dentures and… (interrupted)

Doug: NO! that’s not what I said! He’s an idiot my dear.

Marge: No I don’t want a beer neither.

Everyone looks at Marge as if she’s out of her mind.

Unknown Character: (Smiles) You’re a very lucky man to have such a beautiful woman.

Doug: Oh really, would you like to be married to that old hag.

Unknown Character: Oh come on she can’t be that bad. Why I remember someone saying that women age like fine wine.

Doug: (looks at the unknown character as if he’s an idiot) I think she aging like milk.

Doug/Phillip both laugh very hard.

Claire: (clears her throat) I believe the game is about to begin.

Unknown Character: (Sigh) Thank goodness.

Silly music sounds to start the game.

John: (talking strangely like a knight in shining amour) Alright Tommy Boy, you may have vanquished me in our last duel, but tonight I shall run you through!

Tom: Why are you talking that way?

John: I don’t know, but does your person have red hair?

Tom: No.

Unknown Character: (desperate) Oh Please, I just have to win this time.

Marge: Oh! Oh! I’ve got it. (looks at her watch) It’s 7:34.

Unknown Character: (awkwardly) Thank you.

Marge: (Whips out a cane and hits the Unknown Character on the head) SPEAK UP!

Unknown Character: Ow! Why does everything hit me in the head.

Marge: (hits him again) I’ve got a good number of years left in me before I’m dead!

Unknown Character: (rubbing his head) WILL YOU KNOCK IT OFF!

Marge: YOU PERVERT! (Hits him again).

Unknown Character: OUCH!

John: Is your person a girl.

Tom: No.

Claire: (angry) Oh you really are a sexest little scoundrel…(long pause) Aw excuse me little boy, but I believe you forgot to put me down…(Clears her throat) Excuse, (waving her arms) this is very embarrassing, I am clearly a woman.

Phillip: You could of fooled me! (laughs)

Claire: Oh I can’t believe you would say such a horrible thing.

John: Does your person have dark skin?

Tom: No.

Claire: WHAT! WHY YOU RACIST LITTLE…

Claire is set down before she can finish her sentence.

Doug: (Laughs) Serves ya right!

Unknown Character: (Still rubbing his head and stops suddenly upon hearing this remark) Doug? Are you racist?

Doug: Who me? No, I’m not racist. Why I love black people.

Unknown Character: Oh good, you had me worried there for a moment.

Doug: Yep, In fact I lov’em so much I think everybody should have one. (evil laughs)

Claire: SHUT UP CRACKER!

John: Does you person have glasses?

Tom? No.

Marge hits him over the head one last time before being set down.

Unknown Character: (Angry and rubbing his head.) You really are racist?!

Doug: Oh, I’m not really racist, I (interrupted)

Unknown Character: Then why would you say such a horrible thing.

Doug: Like I said, I’m just kidding so don’t take it the wrong way, why just the other day I had a barbeque with some of my Hispanic buddies… Wasn’t the best barbeque though?

Unknown Character: Oh, and why was that? Was the meat to dark?

Doug: No, the beans fell through the grill.

Phillip/Doug: (laugh)

Phillip: (almost crying from laughing so hard) I’m sorry, I shouldn’t laugh, but that was funny.

Unknown Character: (angry) How can you talk about people that way? Don’t you know they are just like you and me.

Doug: Hey now you just need to settle down there. I grew up in the south and that’s how we talk. There’s nothing to it. Why, I bet if you took a good look at me you would see a good, kind, loving person. In fact, just last month Helen Keller’s Dog ran away, I found it and I’ve been takin care of it ever sense.

Unknown Character: What? I don’t believe that. Why would Helen Keller’s dog run away?

Doug: You’d run away too if your name was Blablablablablablabla.

Phillip/Doug (laugh)

Unknown Character: Oh you think it’s funny to make fun of people just because of who they are. How would you like if I made fun of you.

Doug: I don’t care, I’m old, what can you say about someone who’s seen everything life has to offer.

John: Does your person have a small nose?

Tom: no.

Phillip: Wow, your in the final two again partner.

All Guess Who characters except Doug and the Unknown Character are set down.

Unknown Character: Hah! No evil racist slime like you will ever win this game as long as I’m here.

Doug: I’m not racist. I might walk down the road of hell once in a while, but I believe I’ve passed you on that road a few times, haven’t I?

John: You cheater! You looked at my card.

Tom: I did not,… I’m just brilliant!

John: Well I’ll just have to guess then, is your person Doug?

Tom: You cheater! You knew all along didn’t you?

John: Oh stop being a poor sport, I had 50/50 chance didn’t I.

Tom: Fine, best out of three. Loser has to wear a jock strap on their head on the next bike ride we take.

John: Deal!

Doug: (surprised and almost crying) They like me, They really like me!

Curtain closes and reopens only enough to reveal the Unknown Character.

Unknown Character: (heroic) I will win this game, no matter what it takes.

Curtain closes for a short while and then reopens to the sound of music from Rocky. Guess Who Characters have changed positions again except for the Unknown Character. All Guess Who characters are wearing robes and pretending to warm up for the third and final round by either punching imaginary foes, jump roping, and doing jumping jacks. Oh and one anonymous person in the back doing an exaggerated version of the Macarena.

Unknown Character: I’m going to win, I’m going to win, I’m going to win…

Peter: Are you okay?

Unknown Character: Yes, I’ve just really have to win this game.

Peter: Oh, and why is that?

Unknown Character: Because if I don’t, I won’t be able to figure out who I am.

Peter: Ah my son, I know who you are.

Unknown Character: You do! Well, then who am I!

Peter: You, (long pause) are a child of God.

Unknown Character: (Confused) HUH?

Peter: Yes, its brilliant isn’t it. Makes you feel all warm and cozy inside.

Unknown Character: No, not really.

Peter: What? Are you not familiar with God?

Angela: There is no God!

Unknown Character: Friend of yours?

Angela/Peter: NO!

Unknown Character: (sarcastically) Oh this is going to be a great game… I’m guessing that you are a preacher?

Angela: Preacher? HAH! More like a professional beggar!

Peter: Be gone you nonbeliever.

Angela: Ah, but I do believe…in science!

Silly music sounds to start the game.

Unknown Character: Oh thank goodness the game is about to begin.

John: Does your person have a big nose?

Tom: Yes.

Unknown Character quickly places a large nose over his original nose.

Peter: Hey! You’re cheating.

Unknown Character: No I’m not.

Angela: Yes you are, you put a fake nose over your real one.

Unknown Character: No I didn’t.

Peter: Yes you did, look.

Peter grabs his nose and pulls it away from his face. Then without warning lets go.

Unknown: Oh, that fake nose, it’s only temporary.

Angela: But that’s cheating.

Peter: Oh, and sense when do atheist care if someone is cheating?

Angela: I was a Jehovah Witness before I became atheist.

Peter: Oh, so now you go knocking on doors for no apparent reason.

Angela: (surprised) How did you know I (interrupted)

John: Is your person Fat?

Unknown Character: (sucks in his gut and holds his breath)

Tom: Yes.

Unknown Character: (Breaths hard and sticks out his gut)

Peter: You won’t get away with this you know. Cheaters never prosper.

Angela: Oh please, you don’t really believe that do you.

Peter: Yes, its in the Bible.

John: Does your person have glasses?

Tom: Yes.

Unknown character puts on an enormous pair or glasses.

Peter: Boy, I bet if you would go to church you wouldn’t be cheating.

Angela: Oh whatever. My mom made me go to church every Sunday until I was 18 and the only thing I learned was how to be quiet.

Peter: Well if you had learned to be quiet sooner you may have learned something good.

Angela: Whatever! The only reason I learned to be quiet was because I kept waking everybody up.

Peter: OH YOU ARE THE WORST PERSON I HAVE (interrupted)

John: Does your person have orange hair?

Tom: Yes.

Unknown Character reaches behind him and tears the red wig off the woman sitting behind him. Peter and Angela tear off pieces of the wig and stick it on their heads.

Peter: Forgive me Father for I have sinned.

Angela: Oh come on, you really believe everything that’s in the Bible.

Peter: Of Course I do.

Angela: Oh yeah, well what about that guy that got eaten by a whale.

Peter: Jonas?

Angela: Yeah, How’d he breath and eat in a whale?

Peter: I don’t know, but I will ask him when I get to heaven.

Angela: What if he’s not in Heaven? What if he’s in Hell?

Peter: Then you ask him.

John: Is your person a girl?

Tom: Yes.

Unknown Character makes a puppy dog face as he and all the rest of the men are set down.

Claire: Ha! Take that you Pigs!

Slowly the Unknown Character rises wearing sloppy lip stick a dress and a set of enormous crooked boobs.

Claire(angry) Cheater! You can’t do that, you’re going against everything we are allowed to do!

Claire reaches over and pops one of the Unknown Characters boobs with her umbrella.

Unknown Character:(embarrassed) Oh my, that’s awkward.

Unknown Character starts blowing up another balloon.

Claire: Oh, you really want to know who you are eh? Well then, I think I know just what to do with you. (evil laugh)

Unknown Character: I, I don’t care, all that matters is that I figure out who I am.

Claire: Good, however in order to figure out who you are, I think we need to figure out if you’re Good …or Bad.

John: Is your (interrupted)

Tom: Oh crap your moms home!

John: Hurry, put it away!

Guess Who Characters go crazy as if in an earthquake. During the quake Claire pushes the Unknown Character off the board. Once the Unknown Character is off the board the curtains rapidly close and everything goes quiet and dark except for a single light focused on the Unknown Character.

Rising to his knees the Unknown Character looks around until he focuses his gaze upon the audience and asks.

Unknown Character: (Very sincerely) Who are you?

A minute of silence follows.

End of Act one.